Thoughts and Feelings About Pregnancy

I'm now twenty-six weeks plus four days. This means that I'm nearly at the beginning of the third trimester. Apparently this is the trimester where I'll just get huge and can expect to be uncomfortable for the remainder of the pregnancy. This is a pity as I feel like I have only been able to enjoy my pregnancy for the past eight weeks. While I have had some minor discomforts I hope that the pleasure I'm currently experiencing lasts for a few more weeks to come. Perhaps this is wishful thinking, yet at this point I prefer to remain optimistic as not only do I enjoy myself but I've also been told that I've become much better company. I wasn't aware how depressing and moody I came across during the first half of pregnancy, as mentioned previously I had been nauseous and vomiting during this time, until afterwards when my sister told people I was grouchy. Even my grammy commented along with a sigh of relief,
"Oh honey, it sure is nice to see you smiling and hear you laughing again. No wonder I went on medication."

My belly at 26 weeks

My depressed state of mind is in the past and as stated earlier I am thoroughly enjoying being pregnant. I am even enjoying my changing body. I have received a few pregnancy emails encouraging me to appreciate my body and giving me tips on how to make my body look good. Yet I have felt no actual need for these words of affirmation. I feel good. This may have to do with the fact that while I still enjoy the pleasure of a chocolate bar, cookie or the odd donut, I'm pretty conscientious of the food I'm eating. I continue to make healthy choices such as fresh fruit and vegetables and avoiding processed goods. In addition, I finally have a gym membership and am attending aqua fit classes and either go for walks or bike rides on my own. (To be honest I've been sick for the past two weeks and this level of activity has nearly ceased, but the healthy eating remains). So, while there is a sick sluggishness that I'm looking forward to bringing an end to, overall I still feel good. While there are times I feel awkward, such as when I'm putting on underwear, pants, socks, or shoes, for the most part I feel beautiful. I'm enthralled with my growing belly. I could even say there are times I feel sexy. I know that may sound crazy and perhaps this feeling will fade as my belly continues to expand. For now I choose to bask in the feeling of beauty.

Lest some may think that all is grand and I have lost grasp of reality let me use this time as assurance that I haven't. While I'm enjoying this time in my pregnancy, I still wouldn't say that I love being pregnant. A couple of weeks ago I received an email with a diagram of a pregnant woman showing how much room the uterus and baby take up and how the organs have all been arranged in order to compensate: the rib cage has widened and expanded, the intestines have been pushed to the sides and the heart, lungs, liver and stomach have all been crammed up under the ribcage - my stomach is directly underneath my breast! No wonder my lung capacity has been reduced, that I feel like I've eaten a full turkey dinner after only a few mouthfuls, and why heartburn and indigestion are a constant companion.

Another odd thing I've noticed also has to do with digestion. Before pregnancy it was a rare occurrence for me to burp. I have a few cousins, including females, who can burp on command. I do not have that talent. Now that I'm pregnant though it seems like I'm constantly burping or farting. The other day I burped and told Luke that I produced it simply by pressing on my belly. I'm telling the truth. I recently read a book on surviving the first couple months with a newborn. One section talks about feeding and burping babies. The caution is to try and eliminate as much air intake as possible because if a baby gets air trapped in their system it only has two ways out: burping or farting and both are usually accompanied by a mess, not to mention that it causes great discomfort for the baby. I completely empathize. In fact, there are many times when I find myself trying to force a burp just to alleviate the discomfort. At times I've told my husband that I can literally feel the trapped air. I've even had him pat me on the back to try and get a burp out of me! A few nights ago I had my first experience of sleeping sitting up because it was the only relatively comfortable position as lying down seemed to be trapping air in my chest and it was painful. Seriously, I now understand the pleasant relief a baby gets from a burp.

Probably the most pain that I've been experiencing has to do with the stretching and separation of my lower abdominal muscles and ligaments in order to make room for my baby girl and of course for delivery later on. This is far from pleasant; I feel it when I stand up, when I sit down, when I get in and out of a vehicle and when I walk. Often I walk around with my hands underneath my belly trying to lift the weight and or pressing into the stretch in an attempt to alleviate the piercing sensation. I asked my midwife about it, and although it is only somewhat relieving to know, I have been assured that this is normal. Fantastic, I can expect this sharp but normal pain to persist.

Finally, there are the weepy hormones. For the most part I've been pretty good. It hit me yesterday. First I read a touching email regarding a little boy who wanted to give his mom a gift to give to his little sister in heaven after they were hit by a drunk driver - his sister died on impact and his mom was in critical condition. I bawled, but at least this story was somewhat understandably an emotional story. However, later on in the afternoon I watched an episode of "Bones" a forensic anthropology show, and all of a sudden the tears were running and pooling underneath my chin. Pregnancy hormones have claimed another victim.

After hearing all these things going on with my body a friend's husband asked,
"Why would anyone put themselves through this?" His voice conveyed an edge of near mortification. To be honest I may have held out a little longer if I had known the full extent to what I would have to go through. I naively thought that I had enough knowledge to prepare myself, that I would love being pregnant and the only really painful experience would be labour and delivery - but I was okay this and I trust my body to go through the motions. I have no idea how I'll actually act or handle labour, but I most definitely have been humbled in regards to pregnancy. There is nothing like actually going through the experience. No amount of knowledge or education can give you true understanding. You may be empathetic, but only the real deal can give you a true understanding of what other pregnant women are going through.

So, why would any woman in her right mind choose to put her body through this? For first time mothers it may well have to do with being naive and the desire to bring forth life. For myself I have always wanted to be a mom. I love kids: their innocence, their matter of fact point of view, their generosity, their their open arms and hearts, and their ability to see the extraordinary in the ordinary (or simply what adults take for granted). Perhaps it's a selfish motive that I wanted to contribute and participate in a child's life, and not just any child but my child. Also, it may be really sentimental and romanticized but I still feel that creating life with my husband is a culmination of our love and commitment to each other. These are my reasons for choosing to put my body through this. I can't speak for other women nor can I speak for those who choose this again; I would venture to guess that it has to do with how truly amazing it is to be a parent and how much life a child brings and the love they add. For any mom willing to share I'd love to hear your insights.

Another question that could be asked is if I'm going through all these experiences that are far from pleasant then how can I say that I'm enjoying being pregnant? Personally it has to do with the feeling of awe that my body is in fact housing and creating life. This alone is amazing. Also, I'm not always in discomfort or pain. This is an experience like no other and for the most part it's exciting - especially when I feel my baby girl moving around or doing summersaults. I may not love being pregnant like I had imagined, but for what it represents and the fact that it truly is such a unique and personal experience I am enjoying it and I am enjoying my changing body. Of course, my attitude may be different the further into the third trimester I go. And so the journey continues.

26 weeks